Have you ever thought things like...
"I should be working on this other thing." (switches tasks and then thinks the same thing about the original task)
"I'm so pathetic. I have no reason to be anxious right now."
"I have so many things to do and not enough time! Why do I struggle so much?" (while still saying yes to more tasks)
"I really hate myself sometimes."
Our inner dialogue- that sometimes becomes outward mutters or outbursts of frustration- can be surprisingly mean. And half the time we're only making our circumstances worse by trying to verbally beat ourselves into "being better".
Think about the last time you had an anxiety attack...did you call yourself names? Tell yourself that you're pathetic or that you'll never be able to do anything worthwhile because you're too anxious?
What about when you were really, really stressed? Did telling yourself that you're a failure for not being perfect actually help you do better? Did telling yourself that you should be able to handle all the things actually enable you to handle all the things?
I think we tend to forget that we're human and aren't meant to be perfect.
And I think we forget that a lot of the time we're the source of our own problems- even when it comes to anxiety and stress.
We tend to think our anxiety and stress is all based on what's outside of us- our jobs, other people, our finances, our health- and while they do contribute, it's based more on what's going on inside of us. Maybe this is something that takes you by surprise, or maybe deep down you already know, either way it means that you have to take personal responsibility for your anxiety and stress if you want things to get better.
So, let's get a little more specific about how your self-talk is contributing to your anxiety and stress.
For the longest time anxiety felt like this super uncontrollable thing that I was going to be a victim of my entire life, and I was just going to have to deal with it. Woe is me. However, over the last couple of years I've realized that this doesn't have to be true, but I had to recognize and truly understand a few other things first.
I've been aware that some of my muck is rooted in childhood traumas and other things that have happened in my life (let's be real who doesn't have childhood trauma 😅). For the longest time I knew factually...but I didn't truly understand how anxiety and stress were showing up in my life due to those things. And I know it's up to me whether I let those things define and dictate my life OR I choose to work through, overcome, and heal.
I've also recognized that my self-talk and the stories I tell myself have a big impact on anxiety and stress, too. I know that most of the time anxiety starts in my thoughts and then goes to my body. Even when it seems to come from my body first there's usually something subtle that triggered it.
Side note/disclaimer: Anxiety is a complex thing and while I do believe we have a lot more control over it than we realize I also believe that we aren't meant to battle it alone and there are also times where it's much harder to deal with than others. So, look at what I'm talking about today as another tool you can have in your toolbox to get one step closer to overcoming anxiety. (And managing stress better.)
Below you'll find 5 self-talk fails that will only make your anxiety and stress levels worse AND what you can do instead:
Self-talk fail 1: You beat yourself up for even feeling anxious or stressed.
Maybe you call yourself names or tell yourself how pathetic you are. "You pathetic little b*tch you have nothing to be anxious about" or "maybe if you weren't so lazy you wouldn't be so stressed right now!" Sound familiar? And how helpful has that type of talk been in getting you to feel or do better? Not very, I bet. If anything, it's only going to make you more upset and keep you perpetuating the cycle of struggle.
What to do instead: Show yourself compassion, like you would a loved one, and let yourself know it's okay to be having a tough moment. It may seem weird or cheesy but accepting ourselves as we are in any given moment can be half the battle. When it comes to being stressed about something, rather than beating yourself up for "not being enough", take a step back and try to understand what's actually happening... are you lazy OR are you actually overwhelmed with too many things and crashing? What action can you take to lighten your load?
Self-talk fail 2: You tell yourself you are the way you are because this thing happened to you, or this person did this to you, and this is just how you are now.
Chickadee (or dude) you're only limiting yourself with this thought process. LET ME BE CLEAR: I'm not invalidating what happened to you by any means. BUT if you keep living in what happened you're never going to be able to move forward and find happiness and peace again. And that, my friend, is a choice. I'm not saying it'll be quick or easy, but you have to make the choice to move forward and get the help you need.
What to do instead: First off, simply allow yourself to open up to the possibility that things can be different. That anxiety doesn't have to rule over your life. That you can overcome that thing that is holding you back. Second, ask for help from someone who knows how to process through things so that over time you can break free!
Self-talk fail 3: You tell yourself you can't do "XYZ" because you have anxiety.
This thought process will keep you stuck and wishing for more. You'll shy away from great opportunities because you tell yourself you can't. You'll miss out on epic experiences because you're letting your anxiety keep you in a box. All that being said, this is only true if you decide that it's true.
What to do instead: Stop telling yourself you can't even if the idea that you could seems impossible right now. Words are powerful- a simple change can open the door to things that wouldn't be possible if you were blinded by "can't". Instead ask yourself, "how can I?" Just because it may take you longer or the process may need to be modified doesn't mean you can't.
Self-talk fail 4: If I can't do this perfectly then I might as well not do it all.
An example of this could be "I messed up on my nutrition plan so I'm throwing it to the wind" or "If I can't workout for a full hour I might as well just skip my workout". Then you keep the cycle going of off again-on again and in the meantime your blood test results aren't going in the direction you want and it's really starting to stress you out. Picking up what I'm putting down? Trying to be perfect causes stress and anxiety. Allowing yourself flexibility leads to progress. Which means LESS stress and less anxiety.
What to do instead: Let yourself be imperfect without guilt or judgement. Shut down that voice in your head that pops up to remind you of your imperfection. If you miss a workout, eat 10 cookies, or even have a little hiccup in another area of life, simply do better the next day, the next hour, even the next moment. Don't let one less than optimal decision derail you entirely.
Self-talk fail 5: You continuously tell yourself you have too many things to do, and you can't handle it all.
Sure, saying this here and there is no big deal, but if you find that it's a steady stream in your mind then you're only disempowering yourself. It's likely only overwhelming you more which leads to what I call "overwhelmed into inaction" and next thing you know you're binging Netflix or eating all the cookies trying to help yourself feel better. Meanwhile things still aren't getting done which is only going to increase the anxiety and stress you're already feeling.
What to do instead: Get out of your head and take action. Just a small simple thing that will only take a few minutes. When you take action, it brings about more action which means more things get done and that means less anxiety and stress. Keep in mind that a lot of the time the tasks we have on our list don't actually take that much time, but because they're all there in front of you together it seems like it'll take YEARS to accomplish. Also, you're not meant to do everything on your own and it's okay to ask for help and delegate tasks. No not everything has to be done by you, let go of perfection. It's also okay to say no- if you're already stressed you shouldn't be taking anything else on.
Notice that the start of change begins with stopping the unhelpful self-talk and shifting it to something more positive and/or taking action rather than dwelling in your thoughts.
How are you contributing to your own anxiety and stress?
Are you saying yes to too many things?
Are you stubbornly trying to do everything yourself?
Are you just expecting someone to know you need help without actually asking them?
Are you holding on to something, someone, or a situation that you need to let go of?
Are there behaviors you could change like making coffee at home to save money or putting your phone down so you can get good sleep?
Anxiety and stress can make you feel so out of control and like there's nothing you can do to change things. However, if you answered "yes" to any of the questions above then you know you are giving some of your power away- which means you can take it back!
No more giving your power away to your unhelpful self-talk, situations, circumstances, and people around you.
Take personal responsibility for overcoming your anxiety and stress. It starts with becoming aware, then deciding that things will be different, and then taking action! And ask for help if you need it!
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