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Not All Self-Care Is Cute: Sometimes It’s Crying and Just Folding the Damn Laundry

Writer's picture: Janna RossJanna Ross

I had a thought the other day that just kinda makes so much sense to me, so I'm going to share it with you and perhaps it will resonate.


Self-care is EVERYWHERE these days. You see the self-care vision boards, the "self-care aesthetic", the pretty pictures of someone relaxing in a bubble bath reading a book or in a candle lit room getting a massage or cuddling their pup while taking nap (that one is definitely not staged 😉).


Exhibit A
Exhibit A

All great ways to relax and refresh yourself. But not all self-care is cute and aesthetic.


So, in my bunny trail of thoughts about this topic I considered how we all know self-care is important and yet somehow, we have a hard time making it happen OR we feel guilty if we do.


It made me wonder where is the guilt coming from? And then I thought that maybe it's because it's not actually self-care. Instead, it's an action that we're slapping the self-care label on to rationalize it in our heads.


Let me give you an example:


You had a long day at work, and you are so DONE. You can't make any more decisions or do any more things, and you can't be bothered with the to do list you have at home. You tell yourself you deserve to relax and unwind cuz today sucked! Sooo out comes the wine and you sink into the cuddly embrace of your couch to scroll Instagram and Tiktok.



Next thing you know you're feeling really relaxed, you've a had a few good laughs and the work day is far from your mind. You finally notice the time on your phone and realize it's 11:00 pm and you should have been in bed an hour ago. Once again you didn't get to any of your to do list. Holy crap did you drink that whole bottle of wine?!


And then the guilt sinks in...


Sure, having a glass of wine in and of itself isn't a bad thing. Neither is scrolling TT for some funnies...


But if you're drinking 3 glasses of wine each night and telling yourself you deserve it because the day was rough but you're also feeling guilty...well duh. You know that 3 glasses of wine is not good for you.


If you say you're going to sit for a few minutes after work to just chill and scroll socials for a few minutes- knowing damn well you're gonna become one with the couch and not move for 3 hours- and then you feel guilt...DUH. That's not a good use of your time.


Those things are not self-care and if you're telling yourself that they are- you are lying to yourself and perpetuating your own problem.

Yes, sometimes self-care is taking a bubble bath or getting a facial or watching Netflix.


The differentiator is when it turns into avoidance and procrastination.


Self-care is meant to help you recharge and refresh. You should feel GOOD, refreshed, and maybe even accomplished afterwards. Self-care should be a benefit to your future self.


You know it's been sitting there just staring at you for the past week. And it's judging you.
You know it's been sitting there just staring at you for the past week. And it's judging you.

Like washing the dishes so you wake up to a clean kitchen.

Like folding the laundry so your clothes aren't wrinkled when you go into work on Monday.

Like saying no to someone because your plate is as full as you like it. (This could be both figurative and literal)

Like working out.

Like food planning and prepping.

Like going to bed at a decent time.

Like letting yourself have a good cry, be angry, be frustrated and then doing what needs to be done.


It's never avoiding.

It's never procrastinating.

It's never hiding from your own feelings.


And whatever it is that you're avoiding by burying yourself in wine and social media is still going to be there when you finally resurface and it's not going to go away simply because you ignore it.


If anything, it'll get worse.


So, I say this with love, get your face out of your freaking phone, put down the damn wine, or set aside whatever your avoidant behavior of choice is, and see what happens in that space.


Let yourself be uncomfortable and feel your way through it. It is safe to do that.


What is it that you ACTUALLY need? You won't know until you face yourself.


To set aside your pride and ask for help?

To have a hard conversation with your partner?

To recognize that you're so used to chaos that any kind of peace feels uncomfy so you create more chaos?

To understand that you're trying to help yourself feel safe?


Truly understanding and knowing yourself is one of the BEST things you can do for your own self-care.


Not all self-care is cute so put down your phone, cry, and fold the damn laundry.



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